I thought I found her – the defining love of my life in China.  Smart, witty, pretty, dependable, British. We were set up by our common friends three weeks ago after they discovered that we shared a mutual attraction for each other. 

Men are fickle creatures.  But can love really be forced? 

My close friends are great, but I’ve realized that I shouldn’t be listening to their advice.   Too bad I can’t transport one of you over to Dalian for a day.  You can be my Dr. Love.  I’ll pay you the market rate.  

Other news/observations/confessions/epiphanies/conspiracy-theories/plots-to-kill-my-friends:

1)      I got a new hamster from my students.  I named it Jesse, but my friend, a self-proclaimed expert at animal names, said that Jesse was the lamest name that she’d ever heard.  She named it Monster instead.  It’s tiny and likes to bite. 

2)      There was a ONE-MONTH period in my classes when no one cried.  My streak was broken 3 days ago when I confiscated a boy’s basketball and he decided that the most appropriate response was to drop to the floor and grab my leg. 

3)      If I stayed in China longer, I swear I’d die of secondhand smoke.  China consumes about 40-50% of the world’s cigarettes.  60% of my friends are avid smokers.  At least cigarettes aren’t the only things that they smoke.  Marijuana plants grow freely in many cities in China.  Most Chinese don’t even know what they are. 

4)      I hate horror films.  I’m such a wimp.  I can’t help it though.  I have to walk up 5 flights of dark or dimly lighted stairs to get to my apartment.  Sometimes when I go home at 3-4 am, an old grizzled woman is sitting by the staircase window peeling apples with a knife.  Images from The Grudge immediately surface, my heartbeat quickens, my eyes get cloudy, my knees become weak, I open my apartment door and fall to the ground thanking the dear Lord that I’m alive. 

5)      Getting scared about the workload in law school.  I have to suddenly transmorgrify into a study machine after spending a year in this stress-free environment.

6)      Tim Chau wants me to help him find a China girl.  I’ve located two – which one suits him better?  A) Siu Li: 19-year old village girl, healthy looking armpit hair, can farm and cook, knows how to say “Nice to meet you” and “Hello, where are you from” in English.  B) Gao Jie: 22-year old city girl, loves nightlife, is willing to marry foreigners to access their respective countries, 35% chance of actually falling in love with the particular foreigner, likes the backstreet boys and celine dion, can say “Nice meet you” and “Hello wheres you from” in English. 

It's been three weeks since I've headed south to go backpacking.  dalian-beijing-guiyang-kunming-dali-lijiang-tiger leaping gorge.  only halfway done and i'm loving it.  hopped on a plane today (got sick of taking the train everywhere - i've already racked up a healthy 100 hours on the train) and arrived in xishuangbana.  amazingly, it's a scorching 31 degrees celsius here in the dead of winter. 

today i read an e-mail my bro wrote me.  "danny.  call us.  quick".  being rather worried, I called him immediately only to be received by his answering machine.  "Tim, you better tell me what's going on".  Out of the bloom, my sister's groggy voice appeared.  "It's 6:40 am here.  oh, hi danny.  oh yeah, tim's stupid e-mail to you.  what is it all about?  oh.  congratulations.  you got a letter from UBC law school.  you're in."

I'M IN!

Thank God. 

The winter term is over.  No more teenagers with the I'm-too-cool-for-school vibe etched permanently into their faces, glaring at me callously, daring me to impose my authority upon them.    No more bratty kids who think that my idea of a dandy good time is having my pigu smacked repeatedly by random 4-footers.  No more government indoctrinated, ethnocentric know-it-alls who think it's funny to answer "9-11" when I ask them what their favorite holiday is.  No more mechanical "I'm fine, and you??" (the "you" has to be slowly drawn out - yooooooouuuuuuuuuuoooo?- with a definitive inflection at the end) when I ask them "How are you??".  No more girls crying for no apparent reason in my classes (gotta love that splendid biological invention known as puberty). 

I'm going to miss them.  I'll only be gone for two months (backpacking across yunnan, guangxi, etc..  woohoo!) but my students had become such an integral and enjoyable part of my life in Dalian that I can't help but miss them.  Their huge grins on their faces when they see me.  The nicknames that they give me (CoCo and Chocolate Biscuit).  The way they always say "nigga, nigga" when they're thinking about how to answer a question.  Their spontaneous musical performances in the middle of class for my pleasure.  The 6-foot 220-pound boys who treat me like an older brother.  Little Linda and Vicky who draw me intricate pictures of sailormoon-clones every week.  Big hugs in the playground from random students during the lunch break when I'm walking out to get a coffee.  Free presents.  Hero worship.  Ego boosting.  Muahahaha.  

It was hard in the first couple of weeks.  I remember complaining to my mom, "Ma, it's tough!  It's rough!  It's a jungle out there!  Their English competency is too diverse!  There are kids that can't speak a word while others are fluent!  I can't cater to them all!  The system is flawed!  I don't know where to begin!  I get blank stares from half the students while the other half is busy living vicariously through Chinese kung fu comics!  Girls are crying for no reason!  I've got a pimple on my nose!  I'm going to break!"  And I did break.. several times...  I've done stuff that would've got me fired in the Western world.  Fired and sued.  Fired, sued, and hung from a telephone pole by a raging mob.  And I've lived in fear and regret after those few times that I let my wrath fall on some unsuspecting student.  Fear that the student is actually a Communist Party member's son and that his dad is going to have me locked in a cell and have people in red masks prod me in sensitive areas with ancient Chinese torture devices.  (there's actually a few students in my schools who are children of Communist Party members). 

But it all changed for the better in a matter of weeks.  I wouldn't want to trade this experience for anything.  (What a lame cliche to use.  Whom am I kidding?  I'd trade this experience in a heartbeat for a million dollars, or for a vacation in Hawaii with some random beautiful woman, or for world peace.  It's obvious that whoever uses that cliche hasn't really thought it through.)

I'm making my kids write lines when they are naughty.  At first I got them to write a simple "When my teacher is talking, I will not talk".  But then I got a little bored with that and decided to be a little more innovative.  So far my students have written:

"Teacher, I will be good because you are my superstar"

"Drunken monkeys are naughty.  I will not be a drunken monkey"

"I will be a good boy because my teacher is da bomb"

"Girly-men are naughty.  I will not be a girly-man"

"Good boys get all the hot chicks.  I want to be a good boy". 

"If I continue in my sinful ways, there will be retribution"

"I will not talk when my sexy teacher tells me not to" 

I want to make a scrapbook of all the things I make them write but I need more creative lines - something funny and subtle.  Here's a chance for you to have a DIRECT and POSITIVE impact on the lives of Chinese students (and provide me with much amusement).  What's a good line for them to write?